Wow, I can’t believe this day has come. My little boy is starting school! Where did the time go? How am I losing one of my children to someone I don’t even know for most of the day? I am heart broken that after 4 years of having this little beautiful soul with me 24 hours a day that I now need to learn to live without having him around. It feels like I’m losing a part of me.
Yes, I still have Lil’s with me and I’m so grateful for that but going through this now has scared me into thinking what am I going to be doing when Lil’s starts school. I’m all of a sudden fearful of what the future holds and how little time I have to do something. I know I can go back to teaching but I don’t want to if I don’t have to. I want my afternoons to be about my children, I want to be around for them and be present in their lives, not out working and having to put them in child care. My plan is to launch a photography business where I photograph families and children but this all seems like it will never happen. I want the next 2 years to be about Lil’s and spending time with her but I keep thinking I need to do something as I don’t want to be left with nothing when she starts school.
These few weeks at home have been somewhat different. I didn’t realise how hard it would be for the kids and I to get used to ‘normal’ life. The days seem long and boring when you don’t have a new city to explore and new things to experience and see. Lil’s asks often ‘what are we doing today?’. I honestly didn’t know it was going to be hard for me. I thought I would just get into the swing of things but I often found myself wondering what to do with my time. I no longer was out and about entertaining the children or walking to find somewhere for them to play but they could literally just walk to the play room and play for hours on their own or together.
Lil’s missed Caleb once he was at school. She kept asking for him, and wanting to know when he was coming home. She was a little lost to be honest. She wouldn’t go into the play room for a long time until he got home. She wanted me to play with her all the time. She’s loving making her own friends and I think this time is so good for her to find herself without her brother. She has so much confidence when he’s around to do things with her but when she’s on her one, she lacks a bit of that confidence. She has to get used to being on her own too. This time home has been hard for her, she’s potty trained, she’s had to give up her dummy, she’s lost her best friend (Caleb) and her dad is away for a month. These are huge changes for her.
Caleb has loved every minute of school. He’s been exhausted coming home but there hasn’t been one single tear. On the first day of dropping him off, he waved good bye at the gate without even knowing where he was going to or what he was stepping into. I’m so proud of how brave he’s been with this massive change in his life. It’s hard to think of him as the little, shy boy who was always with his mommy, to this brave, confident little boy whose stepping out to start something new without a worry but with pure excitement!
Travelling was great and I would go back tomorrow if it wasn’t for school but getting back to normal has been so good for us too. We’ve all had to change and cope with the changes which have been harder then I anticipated, for everyone. But, we’ve stuck together as a family, we’ve pulled through and we’ve learnt so much. I couldn’t be more prouder than I am with my two little people, with who they are and who they’re becoming. they’ve coped with all the changes and challenges so well and I hope that the travelling has made them so adaptable to anything life throws at them.