So this is it… one more trip before my life, yet again, radically changes. The changes are huge and the emotions are wild.
France is the last trip we will be embarking on before Caleb starts school. We will still travel in school holidays so it’s not like travelling is coming to a complete end thankfully. This trip is just a small trip – 9 days – and it’s a work trip so nothing grand. We’re going to the centre of France so it’s not like we’re even on the beaches. There’s apart of me that could easily stay behind this time with the children but then the other part of me is screaming ‘this is your last chance to go!’ – Such mixed emotions.
To top it off, the children have both come down with colds and monster coughs. I’m not easily rattled but the raw memories of croup that happened only a month ago lingers at the forethoughts of my mind every time I hear a cough. Every time I wake to the sound of it, I’m constantly worried. I’ve packed every medicine you can think of but the amount of medicine I have for croup is limited so I’m scared to use it if it’s not necessary. I also don’t want to end up with a hospital visit again in another country.
It’s scary moving into a ‘normal’ life. It seems like just the other day that we chose the ‘different life’ and I had to deal with all the emotions around that and now I have to change again. I’m nervous, I’m excited, I’m scared, I’m ready, I’m not ready! Eeek! As I said, I feel like my emotions are all over the place.
Am I ready for my little boy to start school? Not in the very least. He’s been with me everyday for the past 4 years and all of a sudden, I need to entrust him into some body else’s hands. Some one who I don’t know, someone who has their own morals that I have no idea what they are. I have no clue what they’re going to say, how they’re going to react to my child on a daily basis. What issues will they cause that they aren’t even aware of? Now, I’m not saying that I am amazing, that I’ve done a perfect job because it’s far from that and having been a teacher I know a teacher’s intentions but it’s still scary. It’s terrible that my little 4 year old boy has to be at school from 8:45 – 3pm. It’s scary that by this time next year he will be reading and writing sentences on his own. I have no doubt in my mind that he’s ready for it. I do not doubt that he’s going to love it and that he’s going to thrive from having friends and that he is going to love learning new things everyday. It’s just my mummy fears that capture my thoughts and my instinct to protect.
I am going to love having Lil’s with me for the next 2 years. Her and I are going to get to bond one to one which she has never had. She’s going to miss Caleb and she tells him all the time. It’s going to mean she’s going to need to become independent. She’s pretty brave when he’s with her but when he’s not, she’s not as brave to try new things on her own. It’s going to be interesting.
And then there’s my life. Jon’s still going to be travelling which I don’t love but it needs to be done. It’s lonely being a stay at home mum and especially when you are a single stay at home mum. Even if you see people in the day there’s something about it, or about London, I don’t know, that is still lonely. I know I can easily start feeling like I’m wasting my life away even though I know I’m doing the most important job in the world. It’s hard having no family around that you can just pop into for a tea or drop the kids so you can run to the shop or just catch your breath. It’s not like these things haven’t existed whilst we’ve been travelling but some how it’s different when you’re travelling compared to when you are living a life at home doing the same things day in and day out.
It does scare me but I see it as a time for new opportunities. I’m excited to get reconnected with our friends. My children get to be involved in a church community and get to know that Sunday’s are church days. I’m excited about helping out at church in the children’s church. Helping out at the playgroup is going to be a new adventure for me and it’s something I’m looking forward to. And then there’s photography, my plan is to get my family photography up and running again. I don’t want to do it everyday or in a big way for the next 2 years whilst my mornings still belong to Lil’s but I’m thinking to just start to get my name out there so when Lil’s starts school, I have something for myself to do.
So the future is bright despite all the scary changes. It’s time for a new season and we’ve been so blessed to have had the season that we’ve had.